Of course, congratulations! I hope you're doing well now. No doubt this day would come. How I wish I got to celebrate with you too.
So many questions have gone through my mind, so many what-ifs, how we ended like this.
How I wish you told me all your worries, you cried to me, you broke down to me, you drowned with me. Because, honestly, that's what I always look forward to. Someone I can be with through the good and the bad, the best and the worst, even how messy it will take, even it's not the easiest choice. Not just when it's happy nor convenient. And I expect it also to work for you. Because that's the very nature of every relationship. Because I know everything will be worth it in the end. Because I know you're worth it. But for us, we both failed. This early, we failed. It hurts especially when you know that you gave a good real fight for this, with all the emotions, time, future plans invested on it.
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| Photo: Edward Eyer |
For the first time, I got to question my worth. I doubted myself of the love that I could give.
I wonder if you've realized what I needed to go through because of the choices you made. I bet no because you're too busy for yourself. Well yes, I've been through a lot and I was left with no choice dealing them on my own. Those that I faced and fought for the first time in my life.
During those times, I wished you didn't confess what you felt for me back then, you didn't make me feel wanted, cared, loved. I didn't ask for all the effort, sweetness, attention you've planted in the first place. Yes, my fault, I let it bloom deeply in my heart. I let you in through the walls and guards I built for years. Then suddenly, in one snap, everything I got used to was already gone. And I can do nothing to bring back how good it was before.
My fault, maybe I loved you more than you cared for me despite the uncertainties. Or maybe that love wasn't enough for you to trust me, of all the people you chose to go through that certain point of your life.
For a long time, I was so unsure of us. Not up until now that it's crystal clear, you still chose to walk away. But thank you, for putting an end to something that didn't actually exist from the very beginning.
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| Photo: Pixabay |
Truly, love is driven by our choices, the decisions we make from the simplest to the most significant moments in your life. And I understand you have to make your choices. But the truth is, here I am, caught off-guard, deeply hurt of the choices you made.
There comes a point, I kept asking myself why this has to happen to me. All I prayed for is someone I can grow with and learn from in life. Someone I could share my goals with. Someone who will bring out the best in me and will inspire me to become a better version of myself. Someone I can trust and who can trust me with everything.
Maybe because of our goals, priorities, values misaligned with each other. Or maybe the Lord wanted to teach me of something beautiful through this. I may not found through you the answers to my questions but I have faith that He would provide them in His time, with the right person. Maybe all I have to do now is to fully embrace all of these lessons He revealed on our path, no matter how unpleasant they have initially appeared.
Whatever good and happy memories we had in the past, all of those were already carved in my heart, as well as the tears and hurts. Thank you for all of those. Maybe life just didn't give us what we want not because we don't deserve it, but because we deserve more.
I wish you a happy life. You are a good person and you have a good heart. But please always remember that it's not bad to fail, as long as you're willing to learn and to stand back up again, stronger. Sacrifices and struggles are inevitable but we got to choose the battles we have to fight in and the people we got to fight for.
May you find genuine happiness out of the choices you make. May you continue to grow even without me, I know you will. All I seek now is peace for my heart and mind, so do yours.
May God bless you throughout your journey.
-CPA2016
