God Allowed Things To Happen To Make Me Stronger -- And That Includes Losing You

I wrote this letter to you for I want to tell you that you made me stronger, in a way that I didn’t expect, in a way that I didn’t want. I didn't write this to catch your attention whatsoever. Or for you to take me back. My begging days to-take-me-back-please are gone for good now. I used to believe that you were my forever person. My confidante. My better half. My partner in life. I guess forever are the ones to stay are the lessons we got from each other.

Lessons last forever. But not the person.

Thank you for all the lessons that thought me to be strong, which made me closest to the ones I have now before we met. They were all there to support me to be back on track. Right then and there, I saw my worth on this circle of people I have and it hit me rock bottom that I am not "Worth it" as you used to say. I always tell myself "This too shall pass."

After a few months of healing, meditation and praying over to countless church during days off. I am now completely healed with the help of God and the people who accept me completely to be back to my old self with a new version of getting better. Because who likes her heart to be broken? No one. There were a thousand thoughts I wanted to tell you after that happened, to run to you but I never had the chance to. God didn’t allow me. Every night, I thought of our what-ifs. What if that did not happen? What if I did not run away? What if you didn’t run away? What if I still fought for us? And not just a thousand thoughts were added, but a million more every night. Those thoughts ran through my mind like endless circles. No end. Those heartbreaking thoughts were all on repeat like the songs we used to sing.


I wanted you to know that I became anxious after that day. I became an overthinker that affected all of my states- emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual. I wasn’t the person that you once knew. I was bewildered. I was perplexed. I lost my self-esteem. I couldn’t forgive myself of what happened. I started questioning my self-worth. I pitied myself. I pointed all the blame on me. I asked God to give peace in my heart, mind, and body. I cried myself to sleep every single day thinking about what has gone wrong and how to place the puzzle pieces back together.

It served as a double purpose why He separated you from me and why that had to happen, God revealed it to me. I am beyond thankful for that. God allowed that to happen to make me stronger. You are a lesson for me. My heart became stronger and now wiser in its decisions. He closed that door for me to be well, and I thank God for that with help from the ones who loved me. It was His way to protect me from that “almost there” kind of relationship. I now understand that God makes all things work together for our own good.

Artwork by Cris Valencia

Hey, right now, I am well and okay. I am healed now. Way back then, they told me that time heals all wounds. But today, I now believe that God’s time is the best healer. God’s timing heals all wounds. I told myself before, that one day, I’ll be able to smile at you, talk to you, and hear your name again without confusion in my heart. Now, it happened. No rapid heartbeats whenever I hear your name. No second thoughts of what-ifs, no further hurtful thoughts. You know, it’s so hard when your face smile but the heart doesn’t. God helped me to smile again. He helped me put my smile back that brightens my face up. I don’t want to hold grudges towards you and others anymore. I forgave, don’t worry. God has helped me. It was all in the past. I forgave everything.  You know, I learned a lot, but especially, I learned a lot from you. I guarded my heart so sure and secured, and it was all because of you. Now, I’m stronger than before, than ever. I somehow stopped giving things a meaning when they weren’t supposed to be given one. I made peace with my past so it doesn't ruin my future as to what God has planned it to be.

I know, you know, that I wanted everything best for you. But it doesn't mean I'm not the best for you. Reality is that you were not the best for me.

I hope all the best for you. Till then, thank you for all the lessons and for teaching me to hold on to my faith in God and how to be strong.

-Sei0715 of Angeles City